Women Shouldn’t Be Bossy? Reframing Assertiveness
The word “bossy” is often used to describe women who speak up, take charge, or express their opinions confidently. But why is assertiveness praised in men and criticized in women? This double standard limits opportunities for women in leadership, business, and beyond.
In this article, we’ll explore how society labels assertive women as “bossy,” what research says about assertiveness, and why reframing this idea is key to building fairer workplaces and communities.

Why Assertive Women Get Called Bossy
The stereotype that women shouldn’t be assertive comes from old beliefs about gender roles. Traditionally, women were expected to be kind, quiet, and supportive, while men were seen as natural leaders.
When a woman speaks firmly or leads with confidence, people may see her as “bossy” or “aggressive.” In contrast, a man showing the same behavior is often called “strong” or “decisive.”
A 2014 Ban Bossy campaign, supported by Sheryl Sandberg and the Girl Scouts, highlighted how calling girls “bossy” can stop them from wanting to lead. According to their research, by middle school, girls are less likely than boys to see themselves as leaders because they fear being disliked or judged.

What Assertiveness Really Means
Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, needs, and feelings clearly and respectfully. It’s a key skill for healthy communication, leadership, and personal success.
Assertiveness helps people:
- Set boundaries
- Share ideas confidently
- Resolve conflicts fairly
- Build strong relationships
Research shows that assertiveness is linked to better mental health and stronger job performance (Speed et al., 2018, Journal of Applied Psychology). Importantly, assertiveness is not about being rude or pushy. It’s about balance—speaking up without stepping on others.
The Double Standard in the Workplace
Studies show that when women show assertiveness at work, they may face backlash. A 2015 study in Psychological Science found that women who negotiated for higher pay or promotions were more likely to be seen as “demanding” or “unlikable” compared to men who did the same thing.
- This double standard creates challenges:
- Women may hesitate to speak up in meetings.
- Female leaders may feel pressure to soften their tone.
- Assertive women may be judged more harshly than assertive men.
Changing this requires organizations and individuals to rethink how they view leadership and communication.
Reframing Assertiveness: The Way Forward
It’s time to stop labeling women as “bossy” and start seeing assertiveness for what it really is—a strength. Here’s how we can reframe the conversation:
- Value assertiveness in all genders. Recognize that clear, respectful communication helps teams and communities.
- Teach assertiveness skills. Encourage boys and girls to speak up and express themselves confidently from a young age.
- Challenge bias. Be aware of how we react to assertive women, and check if we’d feel the same about a man in that situation.
- Support women leaders. Give women the space and respect to lead in their own style.
FAQ
Q1: Is assertiveness the same as being bossy?
No. Assertiveness means expressing yourself confidently and respectfully. Bossiness implies being controlling or rude, which is not the same.
Q2: Why do assertive women face more criticism?
Because of gender stereotypes that expect women to be gentle and agreeable. When women act outside these expectations, they are judged unfairly.
Q3: How can women stay assertive without being labeled bossy?
Focus on clear, respectful communication. But remember, the problem isn’t the woman—it’s the bias. Changing perceptions takes effort from everyone.
Q4: Does assertiveness help in leadership?
Yes. Assertive leaders build trust, communicate well, and resolve conflicts effectively.
Sources
Speed, B. C., et al. (2018). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Journal of Applied Psychology, 103(9), 991–1003. https://doi.org/10.1037/apl0000312
Bowles, H. R., & Babcock, L. (2015). How can women escape the compensation negotiation dilemma? Psychological Science, 26(2), 301–304.
Ban Bossy campaign. (2014). http://banbossy.com